My conspiratorial mind be on 1000! 😂

U.S.: “Listen Iran, it’s a new year, a new decade; we need to have a whole new outlook on things. We go back to the ’50’s, so we got some time in with each other, and we’ve done business in the past; you remember Operation Ajax, right? You remember us taking the risk during the Iran-Contra scandal, right? We been cool!

Yeah, we know that we supported Iraq too in the war y’all had with them…it was just business, never personal. We have to keep a manufactured enemy in front of the American people; some of them are so gullible as to still believe that we’re on foreign soil protecting our freedoms for Christ’s sake! We had to make you all a real enemy, because the difference between you and Saddam, Qaddafi and them was that if anyone were to really investigate, they would find a paper trail that showed we funded and trained them. But you? You stood tall during the sanctions we imposed on you. You didn’t buckle. We appreciate that.

So boom, this is what we do: you guys are sitting on all that raw crude and natural gas, and we need that, but we can’t openly do business with you. We had to fraud on being tough with y’all, but that was for show for the public. We still have to act like some sort of a democracy! It will make us look weak if we do business with you out in the open, so how does this sound? We get Trump to attack one of your people. I know he’s one of your top generals, tried and true, but to the Sunni Muslims, he’s a war criminal, and they will see it as good riddance. It won’t raise no fuss with your people if you threaten to retaliate. To our people, it’ll look like Trump is causing a distraction to avoid impeachment. He’ll either look like a patriot or a fool (or a patriotic fool), and if he wins, we’ll still control him. If he loses, the next President will do our bidding. Don’t worry about who’s voted in, we control that too.

In the midst of that, people will be in fear and disarray, and you can tell them damn near anything in that state, impose damn near anything on them, and they’ll be ok with it. Especially our American people. Shiiiid, we got them so distracted and controlled that it ain’t even fair! So what do you say about us getting this deal done?

Iran: S.L.A.P.!